Adoption is a good and rewarding way to form a family, but it is also complex. The triangular nature of adoption – including the adopted person, adoptive parents, and birth parents – adds dimensions that require extra care and learning. While adoption makes many families and children happy, it is also healthy to remember that each adoption begins with a loss and sorrow. Mother's Choice believes in bringing adoption out of the shadows of secrecy and shame and harmful myths. We can best support all the members of the adoption triangle when we acknowledge, honestly and openly, the losses and roles of each person.

Sharing from Matthew, a 9-year-old adoptee
21st November, 2008
My first media interview

When I was two months old, my adoptive parents brought me home. That’s why Mother’s Choice invited my mother and me for a media interview.

When I arrived at Mother’s Choice, I felt both happy and nervous. I worried about how I should answer the questions from reporters. Fortunately, a member of staff acted as a reporter to interview me, so that I could practice how to respond. When all the reporters came and started asking me questions, I could easily complete my task.

After my interview, the reporters went over to my mom and asked her questions so I took the time to go upstairs with a big sister to see the babies. They were so cute while sleeping soundly. The big sister said, “The adoptive parents of the babies cannot bring them home right away, they have to wait for one week to get familiar with their babies.”

Through the interview, I understood that although I am not my parent’s biological child, they love me very much and take care of me diligently. Therefore I am not unhappy anymore!

Comment from the teacher: Seeing your positive attitude towards this matter, I feel grateful and touched. With such maturity and consideration, I know that you are a grown up boy now.

Some thoughts after reading my son’s essay

When my son was invited for an interview with Mother’s Choice, I was really worried. I worried about whether my boy could handle the challenge, if there would be any unanticipated negative impact and any consequence I might not be able to deal with…But I knew it was also a good opportunity for him to contribute for adoption!

I could not believe the interview actually brought us so many positive influences! From my son’s essay, I noted that he could accept himself better for who he is. He was excited to share the experience of being interviewed with others. And I could feel his excitement between the lines. When I saw his beautiful face, while he was sleeping soundly, I remembered the past at Mother’s Choice. I could see love in his heart, and “the unhappiness” lifted. My husband and I are proud to have Matthew as our adopted son!

Sharing from a birth mother

“In those few days in the hospital, I hoped that the doctor would let me keep you by my side, so I could have taken good care of you. Although all I could do for you is change your diapers, feed you and burp you, the more time I spent with you, the more difficult I felt to leave you. I feared that if I let go, you will have no more ties with me forever. Although I understood that what I had been doing in the hospital would make it more difficult for me to leave you, I still insisted on taking good care of you, doing my very best. I had to seize every minute and every second to be with you…

Besides the love of a mother, what else could I give you? I could not even provide you with a home! We can never take things for granted. Be obedient to your adoptive parents and love them with all your heart. I hope that, Hei Hei, you will understand your mother’s feelings one day, understand that your mother had no choice but to place you for adoption. Even if you do not forgive me, please don’t hate me. You are the baby I bore for ten months; you are the baby I painfully gave birth to; it is a beautiful memory!”

On April 1, 2004 I got a call from our social worker. There was a sibling group in desperate need of a home – a 4-year-old boy with special needs and a baby girl of 7 months old and in good health. Would we be interested? I was excited right away. We were hoping to adopt one more child, but two? Would we be able to provide the care needed for a child with special needs? I started to lift this in prayer immediately. I talked to my husband, and he too felt we should learn what we could about these precious children. I went to the agency and picked up the information on the children. Felicia, the little girl, had been born a few weeks early, but had been doing well. The boy, Kit, sounded like a typical little boy and quite adorable, but he had a long list of health issues, both physical and developmentally. As I reviewed his information, each issue in itself was something I felt we could be supportive of him. I also talked at length with a doctor to make sure I fully understood his issues. And we prayed. Every time I felt overwhelmed by two more children joining the family and in particular, a child with special needs and think “No this is beyond me.” I would be anxious, and out of sorts. Every time I thought, “Yes, this is what we are to do!” I would have a great sense of peace and be full of joy. Geoff and I discussed this with our children and decided as a family YES! We completed the paper work and the requirements and prepared for the children to come home. As is the process, we made a video and scrapbook for each of the children so they could get to know us while they waited for us to come. We told our family friends and prepared our home for them, making them each a space that was theirs. We anxiously waited as the paper work made its way through the proper channels so we could bring our children home. In January 2005 that day finally came, and we left for beautiful Hong Kong to bring our children home. For us, bringing the children home together was special, because as Kit, being older traveled to a whole new world, he had his baby sister with him, and Felicia, would forever have her older brother to look after her. Two years after the children have come home, it is impossible to imagine life without them in our lives. Some of the older children have told me how Kit is their favorite brother. I marvel at how hard he works and how much he has learned since he came home. He continues to amaze us with the things he does. Our home would not be the same without our little princess Lizzy (Felicia) holding court, and dancing through the house. Our family would not be complete without them. We are blessed beyond measure.

Marie Zeidler (written in 2007)

I have two daughters; one is adopted and the other is by birth. Though there is a difference in their ages and time of joining our family, my feelings for the both of them are no different whatsoever.

The whole story began with my work.  My husband and I had the opportunity to meet a little boy and we liked him so very much.  We realized that it is by fate that people are brought together, it is not true that only by blood would the relationship between people be natural and sincere.  Isn’t it true that my husband and I have pledged to be with each other for the rest of our lives even if we are not related by blood?  That is why before we made our family planning, we already had the idea of adopting a child after we gave birth to one.

We were unable to get pregnant for a long period of time, so we came back to the idea of adoption.  We thought that if the idea had always been in our mind, why didn’t we go for the adoption instead of waiting for a pregnancy experience that might or might not happen?  After all, we just want to become parents, whether our child is by birth or not is really not very important.  We really hoped that we could become parents while we still had the energy to see them grow.  Therefore, about four years ago, we adopted our elder daughter.

After the adoption, we most commonly heard, “You are so great, your daughter must be so lucky to have you two as parents”.  But we have deeply felt that this is not the case.  We did not rescue our daughter’s life; it is her arrival that enabled us to become parents!  We are dependent on each other, we were never saviours!

The adoption enriched our lives greatly; both the daughter and the parents have grown a lot!  How would I have known that life can be even more abundant – about a year ago, I was pregnant with my younger daughter.  My husband and I were most happy not because “we are finally pregnant with our own child”, but that we can “watch the sisters grow up together and become companions to each other”.  This is a life-long gift for them.

Since having my younger daughter, many people have curiously asked me, “Is there a difference between your love for your adopted daughter and your daughter by birth?”  Truly, there is not! (In fact, I believe if there is a difference for the blood relationship, it is better not to adopt then.)  The appearance and the personality of our elder child not being like us is but a trivial bit of gossip.  Once we pledged to take care of these two daughters for life, it really is of no importance through what means they joined our family.  If one of them makes a mistake, she will have to bear the consequences, regardless of which one it is.  Whether they do well or not, they are still the good daughters that we treasure and love.  Sometimes they get different treatments, not because we are unfair, but because we employ different methods in nurturing them according to their different personalities and their different strengths and weaknesses.

I did not expect that the pregnancy with my younger daughter had made a surprising yet positive influence on my elder daughter – she has a more substantial understanding of the fact that children come from mothers who are pregnant with them for 10 months.  She is now almost five years of age; with adoption story books, photos of her birth parents, photos of our adopting her in the past and our continuous explanation, she understands and accepts that she was born from her birthmother’s womb.  At times, she is a bit confused as to why her little sister has me as both her birth mother and the mother who takes care of her…  I know that this is a topic that she will be constantly thinking about and exploring throughout her life.  And I am most willing and prepared to keep her company in experiencing, crying, organizing, feeling…

I was born in China. I was living a happy life until one day when I was at grade two. A classmate (a neighbor told her mother) told me that my father and mother were not my biological parents. From that moment on, it seemed like my life was surrounded by a layer of dark cloud. The feeling of shame and being abandoned was deeply buried at the bottom of my heart. Many times I wept alone, and never shared this feeling with anyone. Although my adoptive parents treated me as their own child, my whole life was totally changed by such shocking news. Since then, all those festivities no longer brought me joy anymore. In high school, a strong sense of rebellious mindset started to reveal itself. While I did well in my academic performance, I started dating. I thought I could find someone to spend my whole life with. When my father found out, he tried everything to stop me but I didn’t listen. He became furious and slapped me on my face. (My father rarely gets physical, and only did it once when I was small because I didn’t finish my homework properly). I was so emotional that I said something which I should never have spoken: “What gives you the right to hit me? You are not my birthfather”. I believed I had already slapped him in his heart, and hurt him deeply.

I always long for marriage since childhood, thinking that having my own family will compensate my spiritual regrets. With this expectation, I got married and moved to Hong Kong in early 1990s. However, reality shattered all my dreams completely. During the first few years in 2000, both my marriage and my career hit the bottom. In early March of 2006 when I thought my life was coming to an end, my life experienced dramatic changes. Fate brought me to Jesus Christ and I accepted Him as my savior. Since then, the flow of God’s grace upon me never stops. One day, when I was talking with my mother over the phone, I realized that her family had a Christian background and she was baptized at young age. She told me that I was born in Yinchuan of Ningxia province. Under the traditional Chinese influence of male supremacy mentality, a family must raise at least one boy to carry the family name. Since my poor biological parents have already had four daughters before me, they abandoned me at the hospital the day I was born! It was fate that brought a Christian mother to adopt me and brought me to Beijing. I was so lucky to have such adoptive parents who love me dearly! At that moment, I began to understand, and the fear that was so deeply rooted in my heart started to melt. That was truly the beginning of the healing and relief of my spiritual wound!

Soon after, through a short mission trip opportunity, I listened to a pastor sharing the story of how she adopted her son. It stirred up the emotions which had been buried in my heart for so many years, and I sat in the car crying hysterically. That was the first time in my life when I allowed myself to express my deep emotions freely…

During one of the sharing sessions at Mother’s Choice and the first Adoption Festival, two birth mothers from different backgrounds shared their stories of how they gave up their babies. The first sharing let me have a chance to face the hatred in my heart towards my birth mom for the first time in my life. I almost ran to the speaker, pointed at her nose, and yelled that you were completely irresponsible and never cared about the feelings of others, etc. (That was a kind of projection. The hurt was buried so deep down in my heart; I never have had the courage to face it). As for the second sharing, I could feel the agony of the mother giving up her own flesh and blood, and may never have a chance to see the child again. Her sharing allowed me to make a decision to let go of my hatred towards my birth mother. Through this sharing of the birth mother, I began to understand more about a mother’s love. Nothing can wipe away the lingering thought of her child from a mother’s heart.

Looking back through the course of psychotherapy sessions, I have come to understand more and more the unconditional love my adoptive parents have given me, even more than those between birth parents and child. Thank God for teaching me what real love is about, and allowing me to have the chance to experience it. Afterwards, I had a long talk with my over 70-year-old parents. I shared with them my feelings and sought their forgiveness for hurting them with what I had done and said. And thank them for being with me all the time, sharing my happiness, sadness, grief and joy.

Even though I walked through the darkness of life and the valley of death, I saw the light again and realize the preciousness of life. Without the ups and downs of life, you will never appreciate blessings. Without trauma, you will never understand the awesome healing power of God.